I notice from your hallowed pages that you seem to have recently acquired the talents of that well known old fart John Dixon, last seen strutting his belly across the turf some years ago.

However, I do have one or two points to raise, the first being related to Mr. Dixon's name. I was under the impression that John was actually spelled Jon and that this rather woolly cricketer gets quite upset at the extra use of ink in his name.

Further, I also believe that Mr Dixon prefers to go under the pseudonym of Dicko (again a saving on ink), an unusual nickname given by Psycho Simon Talbot during Jon's lunatic days at Weymouth (I think he is still taking the pills as a result).

My second point regarding what can only be described as one of the finest profiles ever to grace the fancy mirror attraction at the 1973 Portland Fair, frightening 3 old ladies and a very young Will Trevett [Webmaestro note: that would have occurred 5 years before Trevett was born], concerns whether euthanasia would be preferential than to subjecting more teams to another season of this lunatics antics. So far he is claiming a gammy knee, screwed up back and a buggered neck.

Would it be better to initiate a fantasy Dicko where the entrants have to guess the next part of the body that is going to get damaged. I hear his wife has some ideas of her own already! She was going to get the local slaughterman to put him down, but thought having an affair with him instead was the kinder option.

I would be grateful to receive your comments to this letter and also inform me whether the newest first team captain is a result of mating a Watusi woman with a chicken. I'll leave this one to your imagination.

Finally I would like to put to rest the rumour that Jan Davey has started to go bonkers. Why only the other day I saw this talented young man describing his last big innings to a vacant looking lamp post, which actually seemed interested, and Jan claims is now his new sponsor, taking over from the lobster at the end of his garden. More news to follow as the season progresses, including how Viagra can improve your batting averages, but leave you with less hair and a bigger belly. Keep it up Portland!