Janice, Ziggy, H, Tank, Brains, The Professor, Wavey Davey, Fluffy, Oddjob, Mr. Fixit, One-Shot, Fox Mulder, John, Shag

Portland's Dorset wonder-kid but for only a few matches. Could be a good all-rounder if he was a better bowler. Devastating hitter of the ball when he gets his eye in. A good fielder with a good arm.

Recovered fully from career-threatening injury, after slicing through tendon in arm by punching a plate glass window. Former CEO of Ground Renovations Committee. Portland's answer to Handy Andy, and now only lacks the criminal record although he hopes to qualify for this soon. Has become an enemy of club legend Melvyn Tremlin both on and off the pitch, though he respects what he's done in the past. Faced the fastest bowling in his career in the nets against a sprightly South African. Had a trial for Gloucester, but sticks firmly to his Dorset roots. Still thinks England has a need for a player of his ability, though would consider a call from the Canadians.

Finds fast bowlers and spinners of all varieties difficult to deal with. Refutes claims he is nothing more than a mid-order slugger. Conspiracy theorist, believes the X-Files' Cancer Man is alive and has moved into Fancies Close. West and South Dorset's one-man Dolphin Recovery Team. Former Coastguard. Admired by former 2nd Team captain D. Jones. Has very low stamina, will sometimes miss Sunday games due to fatigue and/or fishing. Proud husband and father. Restricts his appearances for the first team to strictly missions of mercy when only his presence in the side can save the team from certain relegation.

"When I played for Dorset...", "Jonsey, move into the kids nets to balance things up", "I hear what you're saying, but...", "Have you played for Dorset?", "You're past it old man", "Who's the fastest bowler you've faced?", "Are you afraid of fast bowling Melvyn?", "I bowl the ball into the batsmen", "Yeah man"(with thick Rasta accent), "The mackerel is the fastest fish in the British waters, but the barracuda is the fastest in the world", "You have to divide the tea reviews into more than one section. For example: savouries and patisseries"