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Portland Red Triangle CC

Founded 1922

Grant Neven Grant Nickoli Neven
Birthplace: Pulruan, Cornwall
Age:
Batting Style: Right-hand bat
Bowling Style Right arm slow medium grenade
Fielding Position Wicketkeeper
Aliases: Stumpy, Neville, Lovely Neville, Stumpovic, The Poison Dwarf, Poisonous Little Man, Sweet Little Guy, Napoleon, Pocket Battleship, Pocket Rocket, Pocket Pasty, Otto, Baby G, Coach Neven, Baron von Stumphausen, Peacekeeper, The Punisher, Vigilante, Judge Neven, The Pitbull, Wolverine, Lazarus
Height/Weight: 5'6" / 210lbs
Favourite Food: Loves pasta and pesto, seafood and Cornish Pasties (but only traditionally made, containing turnip)
Favourite Tipple: Addlestone's Cider, Tequila
Stewkes' Pen Picture: Average wicketkeeper. Unorthodox batting style which scores him runs when least expected. Hits the ball very hard, providing good support in the lower-middle order. Bowling action has to be seen to be believed.
Profile:

The nicest man you would wish to meet, but may have the odd bad day at the office.

Doesn't like football but supports Norwich City, Stenhousmuir and St. Austell. One of the few southern members of the Stenhousmuir Supporters Club. Once had a trial for Hull City and 2 other league clubs he's not allowed to mention. Scored a hat-trick while playing for his grammar school against St. Austell (his Grandmother had once played for them at left back, as well as being a dab hand behind the stumps in her younger days).

Left Somerset and a promising first class career because of personal differences with Ian Botham. Former captain of the Northamptonshire Exiles and hit his highest score of 147* for them against Edmonton. Has played cricket against Mark Ramprakash and hit Andy Caddick for two successive fours when he was playing for Orchard FM.

Turned down at the jockey trials, although technically the best, but just had too much upper body mass. Has seven A-Levels, although one is in General Studies. Holds 3 degrees in Law, Politics, and a 1st Class Honours (and subsequent Masters) from the University of Life. Qualified welder, naval navigator and former volunteer lifeboatman.

Former drummer for punk arthouse bands Flowers on Friday, The Crabs (not named after the shellfish) and The Defenestrators. One-time Communist Party member, but now a committed anarchist. His grandfather escaped persecution from Stalin in a potato truck. Wrongly named as the prime suspect in the 1980's Ginster's bombings, using explosive (traditional) pasties. Hates narrow minded people (as evidenced in his hit single "Cul-de-sac") and Barratt Estates.

Accused by Richard Stewkesbury as not being captain material due to his "persistent ball-following". Is never out. Back to full fitness after terrible break, fracture and dislocation of middle finger suffered after dropping a catch.

Inventor of the popular children's game "Where's Daddy's Pants?". Now one of Triangle's qualified club coaches which has extended his range of shots while batting, but is still prone to being trapped LBW in front of all three stumps. Constantly picking up niggling, and sometimes debilitating injuries, but thanks to his powers of recovery he's rarely out of action for long.

Memorable Quotes: "I'm on another planet mate", "I've eaten harder things than that!", "No ball!", "Winston Churchill is the most evil man who has ever lived", "You don't want to mess with someone who has a law degree", "I've given, but have never received", "Stalin was alright, just a little deluded", "The club is bigger than one man", "Tony Blair is a bloody Tory", "How can that be out? It was going down legside!", "I got some bat on that umpire", "BYES????", "Jones, you need to go away and learn the rules of cricket, you f***ing pilchard!", "Pol Pot was just having a bit of fun", "I'm on the management committee for this league, and I'll report this incident to them at the next meeting", "UMPIRE! Dust blew in my eyes, that's why I stepped away, we've got to play that ball again!"